A new ENT appointment and a new start

I’m sure you know that life gets busy for all of us, and I mostly mean with work. I mean paid work. But my life, like yours sure is also busy with other day-to-day stuff.

It got to the stage today where I looked at my life and thought what can I jettison? Things have been getting ridiculous and I just can’t cope with anything. But you know, the problem with modern life is that you just can’t jettison things. In the old days, if you had enough food, you didn’t go out and hunt. But now, you have to work every single day, you have to have a part in the relentless process of earning money and keeping all the balls of your life juggled in the air.

Thankfully my iMac has had its screen replaced and that drama is over, but it’s little things like that on top of the things you can’t jettison which can make everything collapse around you. And when you stop collapsing, nothing has changed.

Anyway, some of you, anybody is reading, may just be wondering how my ear nose and throat appointment went, especially if you read my piece explaining what had happened with water in my middle ear. Well, it’s really odd. There wasn’t any fluid in my ear and the pressure is still there. He said it was inflamed, but not full of fluid, but he said he thought it had been before. So it’s really weird. He said are you stressed and anxious in your life, I said , and he said it could well be that as he had seen this before.

It began send feel more like a therapy session than an ear appointment, as he asked questions such as I you more settled in your life, why do you feel stressed, I do not adjusting to things well. It was really odd. Of course I lied and said my life wasn’t super stressful, but the truth is I’m falling to bits.

So it does seem that stress can equal and is infection and it can be completely annoying in getting things done in your life. And at the end of the day, I paid $100 for what I thought was going to be pressure release in my middle ear, and which actually turned out to be a therapy session with no redemption at all.

Just another day in paradise

Saturday started out fine, I did the usual run-of-the-mill stuff, where I’m just messing around getting jobs done, laundry, bit of eating, cleaning and doing a little bit of work on the Mac.

My anxieties up because of actually just jumped into seeing another guy. We’re going on a second date, and I haven’t really cleared the decks with the first guy.

Anyway, I had to go for a drive today and it went fine. I managed to get there with the help of my GPS tracker and everything was fine until I arrived. The queue to get in was massive and it took me an hour to get things sorted. You would have thought the doing a bit of shopping and a few other chores would be so incredibly time-consuming and take three hours out of your day.

So I rushed back home to get back to work and ended up working late. So I’m on here now venting on this blog to nobody in particular just to get my thoughts and anger out into the open.

I’ve worked all day because I know I have a ton of plate this week in addition to the usual assignments I get, working for several hours after a three-hour break to do chores made me feel sick and dizzy. It was because I was hungry, but I start to wonder if I’m sick. Perhaps it’s this ear infection which is doing me down. I even got the shivers, but I’m not sure that is just anxiety by every minute is going on at the moment.

So if you happen to bookmark this blog and you never hear from me again, it’s probably because my head as exploded and I’m laying here in front of my iMac with blood all over the screen. Actually that’s a bit melodramatic, but I think you get the idea about how I’m feeling today.

But on with the show, I hope your day is better than mine has been and I’m now going to sign off and crack on with another hour of work to get ahead for tomorrow before my clients start getting all upset on me, shutting more doors and causing me more anxiety, which I really don’t need at the moment. On a positive note on going on another date tomorrow night and things seem to be going quite well, as long as the ex-boyfriend doesn’t turn up and cause hell.

I don’t think I deal with anxiety very well

Okay I’m going to admit something on this blog that I have never admitted before. I think I suffer from anxiety. Actually, the people around me may already know that, but I don’t think they realise how much it gets to me and how much it effects my life.

If something, anything at all, changes in my normal routine day-to-day, good, or bad, I get really worried and upset. I get anxious. It’s not great and it leaves me in trouble day-to-day.

I think that might be why I work from home, and why I’m currently freaking out about getting the screen part for my iMac. It’s something that should really be a minor thing, but to me it’s massive, because it means my routine has changed and it means a lot to go out and get it sorted out.

My responsibilities are changing, I now have to do more work for different companies, and I’m having to please more people every single day. The anxiety spilled out earlier today, when I got home from being out for a little while. I came back and jump back on the computer to start working again, when people started hassling me via email because I had not delivered on something.

It got to me and I freaked out. I’m basically stuck in an apartment working for people I’ve never met, and I can’t really do work as well as I can because my main computer has gone wrong.

So stress and anxiety is something that is in my life and I’m really worried about because there’s not much I can do about it at this moment in time. The truth is that I’m probably hiding in my apartment and my job has probably been constructed in order for me to minimize eye contact with the outside world and to minimize anxiety from being in it.

That may not seem much to somebody casually reading this, but it’s a huge admission to me. It’s something I would never admit to anyone, and they think I’m just a decent girl who happens to work from home, they don’t realize I have shaped my life around working from home in order to minimize my contact the outside world. I’m also hiding away a bit because of the guy that I upset because I didn’t want him to waste time with me any more.

Perhaps I’m actually pushing people away because I don’t want them to force me to go out in the outside world and do stuff I don’t want to do.

Health love and happiness

I think like everybody else I’ve always taken certain aspects of my health and happiness very much for granted. Things like my hearing, my smell, my ability to hear, even my ability to walk, just like many people I’m sure I’ve just taken them all completely granted. The truth is that we should every day think about how blessed we really are to be able to do those simple functions, when other people around us can’t.

At the minute I’m suffering from something wrong in my ear. You know that thing on the side of your head that you take for granted, that allows you to interact with the world around you. Well it’s blocked and it hurts. It feels like I have a football stuffed into my ear and that my head is going to explode. As well as that pain, I’m also trying to deal with the pain of a split up from a relationship I should never have been in at all.

And it’s all about money in this country. I went to see a specialist about this before when it happened last time, and was told fluid had built up behind my ear drum. Well it appears to have happened again. And as it is not covered by my health insurance it will cost thousands of dollars to get the fluid drained off, as well as have a course of steroids. What a country we live in.

On top of that I got to get my iMac glass replacement sorted out, which was my own stupid fault for attacking it in a rage, but with the pain I am in and the pressure on Monday from that guy, it’s no surprise that something inanimate got lashed out at.

So I’m a bit worried and in pain. I’m not sure what I meant to do about my ear, and what do people do when they can’t afford health care, especially if it doesn’t cover the things that are wrong? Are you meant to go into debt for the rest of your life, or do you just let things carry on until they kill you?

And how on earth are you meant to get on with the rest of your life? I work on my iMac all day for my job at home, and as it was broken and I was reduced to messing around on my phone trying to cover the worst bits of it while I get things sorted out.

All in all, you are probably wondering how I got into this mess. Well you’re not the only one, and I’m wondering how on earth I can to get this pressure out of my ear. I googled loads of stuff about it and apparently if fluid in the middle ear can take months to clear out, even if you do the right things.

Love and iMac screen replacement hell on earth

I feel really sad today. I still feel like I have broken yet another person’s heart and made a life miserable. This guy thought he had found the one who was going to live with every day, the person who was going to move on in life with him to make a happy. Unfortunately, I was probably just stringing him along because it felt right in the short term, but I knew it wasn’t right in the long-term.

I wrote about this last post and things are still going on. I’ve blocked him in every way can, but he turned up on my doorstep last night to talk. I couldn’t really turn away because he was crying and I live in an apartment with people around and it would have been really embarrassing, so I let him in and it took three hours before he went.

What was really tragic as today my iMac screen got trashed. By my own temper I should add. Just before he came round, I was looking for an iMac 21.5 screen replacement on Google and found this screen that seemed to fit my needs, and he walked in in the middle of that. It was horrible because I was trying to be sincere and honest with him, while all the time being more concerned about a computer screen.

It made me feel really bad because I was juxtaposing two completely different things in my life.

So last night was a story of love and iMac screen replacement hell, on my version of Earth. It was a tragi-comedy where half of me was trying to make things easier for this guy crying in front of me and having a broken heart caused through my insincerity, while at the same time I was only half listening to him because I was thinking about the prices I had seen and where the local stores were that could do the screen repair on my beloved Mac.

And on top of that, I was wondering what sort of person that made me. Because surely I should have been engrossed in his upset and not in how I was going to get my iMac sorted out. It’s almost ridiculous, but at the end of the day he’s moving out of my life, whereas I need the computer for work.

Does that make me an evil person or does it make me a human being moving on my life being ambushed by somebody who isn’t? Or is it that he thought he was moving on in life, but with a person who never occurred with him?

I really have started give up with some people.

I really shouldn’t be surprised by anything any more in my life with everything that I’ve learned since I became an adult. But good or bad, life still seems to have some surprises in store for me.

I really have started give up with some people. This piece is really all about a boy. He sent me a message saying that basically if I don’t want to speak to him again that’s my choice, but it was me that caused the problems in the relationship.

This was the message that put a permanent block on any formal contact from him as far as I was concerned. And I will not remove it under any circumstances. You see is true I knew how much he cared about things started a relationship, and I also knew the deep down it was never going to work for the long-term.

I just couldn’t make its past that stage of love and dependency, companionship and long-term shared goals in my mind. I was just never going to make it that far. I couldn’t have loved him the way he deserves or the way that he wanted me to, and God he desperately wants me to.

What can I say, the truth is that life doesn’t work out the way we always want it to, but he also has to take some blame because if he thought things was great as he thought they were, and he thought he knew me as well he thought he did, then he wouldn’t have been so shocked by what happened.

Having somebody pin their entire existence and all the happiness on you as a large weight to carry on your shoulders, and you made to feel guilty every day if you don’t live up to that. Even though that guilt has been imposed on you unintentionally, it’s always going to be there.

So at the end of the day, last night I had to put a stop to things. What worries me is that I feel that nobody will ever be good enough for him, and he may end up being a very sad and lonely lady. I hope that is not the case he really is lovely, but at the end of the day, I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be every single day of my life. Is that a tragedy, or is that an escape?