Okay I’m going to admit something on this blog that I have never admitted before. I think I suffer from anxiety. Actually, the people around me may already know that, but I don’t think they realise how much it gets to me and how much it effects my life.
If something, anything at all, changes in my normal routine day-to-day, good, or bad, I get really worried and upset. I get anxious. It’s not great and it leaves me in trouble day-to-day.
I think that might be why I work from home, and why I’m currently freaking out about getting the screen part for my iMac. It’s something that should really be a minor thing, but to me it’s massive, because it means my routine has changed and it means a lot to go out and get it sorted out.
My responsibilities are changing, I now have to do more work for different companies, and I’m having to please more people every single day. The anxiety spilled out earlier today, when I got home from being out for a little while. I came back and jump back on the computer to start working again, when people started hassling me via email because I had not delivered on something.
It got to me and I freaked out. I’m basically stuck in an apartment working for people I’ve never met, and I can’t really do work as well as I can because my main computer has gone wrong.
So stress and anxiety is something that is in my life and I’m really worried about because there’s not much I can do about it at this moment in time. The truth is that I’m probably hiding in my apartment and my job has probably been constructed in order for me to minimize eye contact with the outside world and to minimize anxiety from being in it.
That may not seem much to somebody casually reading this, but it’s a huge admission to me. It’s something I would never admit to anyone, and they think I’m just a decent girl who happens to work from home, they don’t realize I have shaped my life around working from home in order to minimize my contact the outside world. I’m also hiding away a bit because of the guy that I upset because I didn’t want him to waste time with me any more.
Perhaps I’m actually pushing people away because I don’t want them to force me to go out in the outside world and do stuff I don’t want to do.